Why Some Relationships Fail

Causes For Depression and Anxiety

We’re born with a personality, but what events occur in our lives and how we interpret them will determine how we relate, react and think about situations.

Our brain is continually forming pathways that determine our thinking and behaviour, and we behave mostly based on our emotions.

Separation anxiety lives in our emotion from a young age, often caused by the trauma of losing a loved one. For this reason we may fear abandonment every time we begin a new relationship, while hoping it will last forever.

So what causes separation anxiety?

The most ideal environment for a child to grow healthy is within a caring family environment where their parents care for each other and care for them, and to know this will never change.

A person becomes prone to depression and anxiety when either one of these conditions are missing in their life. In most cases they will over-react when they perceive things aren’t going well with the relationship, and will leave rather than go through the pain of being abandoned.  

The good news is there is hope when such trauma has taken place. Through counselling and therapy benefits can be healing and life transforming.

Drawing In The Disengaged Student

Teachers have so much demand placed on them in today’s education which can take away the ability to be attuned to their students needs. Although we do need teaching standards, the issue remains meeting the level of demand verses having time to be creative and enjoy the process.

Children can be unpredictable, varied and as unique as our fingerprints. In all of this it’s not easy to cater for each students’ individual educational and emotional needs. When emotional needs are not met it compromises the cognitive development.

Teachers are not trained as psychologists, therefore they are not equipped to manage and teach students who have experienced trauma. Trauma changes the way our brain functions and trauma can be caused by something as common as neglect by a parent who doesn’t have time for their child because their time and responsibility is divided between other children. There are many more common circumstances as well as severe cases that impede learning ability.

For this reason we have created a course for teachers so they have the knowledge and the skill to know how to manage and help increase their students capacity to learn.

We believe psychology needs to become part of teacher’s training as this would contribute toward achieving one of the goals of education, which is for “All young Australians to become successful learners, confident and creative individuals, and active and informed citizens.”(Melb. declaration, 2008).

Opposite Sex Friendships

Is it possible to be friends with the opposite sex?

Admittedly, in my research I have found this is easier for girls than it is for boys (not men).

As men and women do mature and develop the capacity to make better judgements, it becomes more obvious that it is better to first become friends with the opposite sex, and only when both parties feel it’s right the friendship can then move into a romantic relationship.

Friendships don’t always develop into romance.

Friendships don’t always develop into romantic relationships. It is possible to want to be friends with someone and not necessarily want to go into a romantic relationship with them. But at least take the opportunity to make an informed decision rather than go straight into a romantic relationship, as the cost of separation can be too high.

Why not have multiple romantic relationships?

It’s always a good idea to think about the end from the beginning, so let’s consider the possible outcomes of going into a casual romantic relationship with someone you don’t necessarily want to spend the rest of your life with;

a) You could end up falling in love but the feeling may not be mutual.
b) The other person could fall in love with you but they’re not who you want to be with.
c) They leave you for someone else because they were never in the relationship for the long term.
d) You want to break up but they don’t, and they begin to threaten about things they’ll do if you leave.
e) Or you could both end up falling in love with each other.

Whenever there’s a break-up there’s pain associated with the rejection you or they experience. The wounds may heal ,but what about the scar?

Ripple affect of broken relationships…

Whether we have experienced it firsthand, or have observed children who are going through the marriage break-up of their parents, there’s no denying the pain it causes.

The ripple effects of divorce are far reaching as divorce is costly in more ways than we can imagine. Apart from the heartache the couple go through the effects on children are often not noticed until it’s too late.

One of the first signs could be that school work is greatly affected. Change in behavior such as lack of motivation, lack of concentration, depression, sense of helplessness and/or hopelessness can become challenging and difficult to cope with for the student, the parent, their classmates as well as the teachers.  As the divorce rate rises it has become necessary for schools to invest more and more in counselors and psychologists.

Most of the services are band-aid solutions to a deep problem that often begins at home – the relationship between the couple.  By addressing the problems at Grass-root level (a bottom up approach) a healthier foundation is built within society, and the  outcome on health could change substantially.

Comparison of High and Low-Distress Marriages

Journal of Marriage and Family 69 (August 2007):621-638
Paul R. Amato and Bryndl Hohmann-Marriott: Pennsylvania State University.

 

Comparison of High and Low-Distress Marriages

That End in Divorce (summarized)

 

A study was conducted in United States in 2007 by Paul Amato and Bryndl Hohmann-Marriott to compare high and low distress marriages that end in divorce in order to understand why married couples get divorced.
They wanted to see if the popular belief that only couples who fight frequently, becoming increasingly disengaged from one another emotionally, causing marital happiness to decline are generally the couples that end up getting divorced.
In a series of publications Amato, Booth and Loomis presented evidence that many couples do not experience high level of discord and marital unhappiness prior to divorce. Contrary to the pattern described before, couples appear to end their marriage for reasons that only partly reflect the quality of their marriage.
Levinger’s commonly applied theory for divorce is based on three components; attraction, barriers and alternatives. First he suggests that attraction is based proportionately to the rewards received minus the costs involved (costs reflect the negative aspects of the relationship such as verbal and physical aggression). Although low level of rewards may lead to thoughts of divorce, spouses who wish to end their marriage must overcome a variety of barriers which include moral or religious values, concerns about social stigma, legal restrictions and financial dependence. At times the lack of alternatives can reinforce stability in the marriage. Of course some spouses may prefer living alone rather than be in an unrewarding marriage.

Another central construct in exchange theory is the comparison level for alternatives. Spouses who enter marriage with low level of expectation for personal fulfilment may be happier than a spouse who has a high level of expectations.

Johnson distinguishes between three forms of commitment; Personal commitment where partners enjoy each other’s company. Moral commitment is based on feelings of obligation, that one should remain in a relationship despite existence of problems and finally structural commitment which is based on constraints or lack of good alternatives to the current situation.

Recent surveys carried out in the US indicate that cultural changes in society have affected the attractions, barriers and commitment for marital stability. Survey of college students in the 1950’s and 60’s indicate that marriage was valued because it provided a home, a stable and economically secure life and the opportunity to raise children. In contrast, more recent surveys indicate that college students value marriage because they expect it to provide a deep source of love and emotional fulfillment – which is a more individualistic approach to marriage. According to this perspective many people now expect marriage to serve as a vehicle for personal growth and self-actualization. Marriages that do not meet these deeply personal needs may be viewed as failures, despite other benefits that these unions may provide. All things being equal, as people’s expectations of marriage increase, an increasing number of people will be unsatisfied with their marriage. Divorce becomes more of an issue of low level of commitment to the marriage rather than a case of getting out of a deeply unsatisfying and distressing relationship.
Surveys have shown that individuals in high-distress marriages experience improvements in subjective well-being, whereas individuals in low level distress marriages experience decline in subjective well-being. This hypotheses is based on the assumption that individuals in moderately happy marriages that end in divorce may not fully anticipate the difficulties and stresses that often accompany and follow marital dissolution.
A quantitative survey done in the 1980’s reveal decreases in the extent to which people have confidence in religious answers to important questions, place trust in religious authorities, and pray or read religious materials. This decline in religious influence is likely to have undermined people’s beliefs about the sacred nature of marriage and its importance as a religious commitment. Moreover the massive shift of married women into the workforce has meant they are less financially dependent on their spouses, hence making it easier for them to leave low to moderately unhappy marriages which would not have happened in 1950’s and 60’s.

In conclusion it is possible that many of these couples have been influenced by the belief that a good marriage should provide a high level of personal growth and self-actualization, criteria that many, perhaps most marriages cannot meet. Given the high rate of divorce and its implications on economic and social well-being of parents and children more research and exploration of possibilities on how to prevent the breakdown of the family unit are clearly warranted.

Exclusive report on the cost of Divorce on Government

News Corp Australia July 5 2014 11:52pm

EXCLUSIVE: DIVORCE and family breakdowns are costing the national economy more than $14 billion a year in government assistance payments and court costs, an exclusive News Corp analysis has found.

That figure has blown out by $2 billion in the last two years alone, with each Australian taxpayer now paying about $1100 a year to support families in crisis.

The financial sting is one of the reasons why Social Services Minister Kevin Andrews has confirmed he will overhaul early intervention strategies in a bid to strengthen Australian families.

Mr Andrews told News Corp that as early as this month he will act to establish an expert panel on early intervention, which will be made up of a mix of practitioners and academics.

It will examine strategies to lower the divorce rate and better identify and assist vulnerable children and young people, including looking at whether more psychologists need to be deployed in kindergartens and preschools across the country.

“The reality is that most programs are programs that try to ameliorate the impact of marriage and family relationship breakdowns,” he said.

“There is not enough that goes to early intervention.”

A News Corp analysis of information from the federal Attorney-General’s Department, the Department of Human Services and the Department of Social Services, shows that this financial year alone the government will spend $12.5 billion on support payments to single parents, including family tax benefits and rent assistance.

Another $1.5 billion will be spent on the administration of the child support system, while the cost to taxpayers from family disputes in Australian courts is $202 million.

Almost 50,000 people get divorced each year in Australia, and while the divorce rate declined between 2002 and 2008, it is now on the rise again.

Over the last two years, the cost of divorce to the national economy has increased by more than $2 billion, or 17 per cent.

To read more please follow the link;

http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/marriage/divorce-is-costing-the-australian-economy-14-billion-a-year/news-story/e5a101ea76351d4ba145279011b934ac